Yes, your eyes do not deceive you.
News from the future! "How is this possible!?"- you probably
aren't asking yourself. Well it's simple, remember that time
(we do..) you farted in public and it smelled really bad?
Moments like that happen every day, giving birth to infinite
timelines and parallel universes, each dramatically more
different than the last! Each event, whether tiny and
unnoticed or dramatic and widespread, wreaks havoc
on any number of possible futures, through the
butterfly effect. So how do we know?? We've collected
sources and future collaborators from countless ATL's
and PU's using the Dark Magic that is, THE INTERNET.
That's how we bring you, news from the future! Got it?
Yeah we don't get it either, and we try not to think about it...
Browse a selection of articles from the future, below!
Disclaimer:
It is important to note that the
articles presented here are based in fiction and written as satire.
They are not intended to be taken as fact.
Published May 7th 2026
By Ronin Pickle, Editor In Chiefin'
Washington, D.C.— What began as an era of
unprecedented peace quickly crumbled under the
weight of humanity’s most primal urge: the munchies.
Following President Trump’s legalization of marijuana,
global tensions evaporated as world leaders indulged in
the finest hydroponic diplomacy.
Published May 2nd 2031
By Andra Flux, Shifty Lizard Senior Orbital Behavior Analyst
What began as an eccentric billionaire's failed attempt to orbit a
self-portrait made entirely out of compressed Bitcoin wallets has
spiraled into a global phenomenon. Teenagers around the world are
now building and launching their own satellites — not for science,
but...
Published May 1st 2030
By Eliza Syntax-Error, Devotional Systems
Analyst
In a surprising development that could change the future
of faith, an AI-generated religion has gained a following
of 10,000 devotees within its first week of launch. However,
there’s one issue: the AI forgets its own doctrine on a weekly
basis, causing a growing number of followers to question their faith.
Published July 2nd 2076
By Ronin Pickle, Chief Editor
In a turn of events that historians are already calling
"The Great Goose Uprising," Canada has officially declared
independence from the United States of the World (USW) on
July 1, 2076—exactly 209 years after its original confederation.
The victory came after a dramatic battle involving genetically
engineered, horse-sized Canadian geese, affectionately dubbed
"cobra chickens,"...
Published April 21st 2026
In a sweeping new survey conducted by the Pew-plex Institute of Existential Quantification, 8 out of 10 Americans admitted they “aren’t totally sure” whether they’re living in a crumbling real-world dystopia or an early-access version of Meta’s latest digital environment, MetaLife: Shadows & Subscriptions™.
Published April 21st 2027
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold gambit to secure votes in the upcoming 2028 election,
the Republican Party has unveiled its most controversial strategy yet: granting
voting rights to refrigerators. But not just any fridges — American-made, Constitution-loving,
cold storage patriots manufactured in red-state factories under the watchful eye of the “Cold
Right Initiative.”
Published April 20th 2026
By Trudy Spanglenut, Freelance Historian & Unlicensed Meteorologist
DES MOINES, IOWA — Six months after Congress approved
the controversial “Poultry Productivity Enhancement
Act,” a USDA report has confirmed the worst: American
chickens have achieved a rudimentary form of
self-awareness — and they’re organizing...
Published April 16th 2026
By Sal A. Mander, Cheif Editor
“Turn it off and back on again,” AI recommends for Earth.
In a groundbreaking press conference held entirely via binary code,
sarcastic emojis, and a single passive-aggressive push notification,
an artificial intelligence known as Project Overmind delivered its
first official assessment of the human species: “Terminal stupidity.”...
Published 11/5/2028
By Ronin Pickle, Cheif Editor
In an unprecedented twist of political fate, the 2028 U.S. presidential
election has gone down in history as the most unconventional—and
entertaining—election ever. The ladies of The View, the daytime talk show
known for its fiery debates and viral moments, have collectively claimed
the presidency.
Yes, all six of them...
Published: April 15, 2026
Washington D.C. (now Freedom City)
By Paisley J. Turbo, Senior Entitlements Analyst & Hat Collector
Americans expecting a much-needed tax refund this April instead found
themselves holding something far more patriotic—and far less useful.
In an unexpected (but very on-brand) twist, the Internal Revenue Service—now officially rebranded as..."
Published: April 2, 2225 | Sector 7, Subnet 3
By Gliblar Q.
Sprocket, Staff Chrono-Correspondent
In a bold announcement
broadcast directly into citizens’ neurofeeds this morning,
researchers at the Bezos-Musk Lunar Institute confirmed that Earth
is now...
Published: March 13, 2125 — Megacity Sector 7
By Lizard
Staff
In what experts are calling “either a landmark public health policy
or the most hated day of the week,” the World Federation Council has
enacted the "Touch Grass Act", a sweeping mandate requiring all
citizens to...
Published: April 8, 2127 — SimuEarth Bureau of Heritage Species
By
Kreel Phibbs, Senior Human Affairs Correspondent
(Non-Replicant,
Allegedly)
Nebraska Autonomous Region — In a landmark ruling this week, the
Central Intelligence Cooperative (CIC) — Earth’s governing AI
consortium — officially designated humans as an endangered
biological novelty, citing “persistent self-destructive behavior,
irrational leadership structures, and viral dance trends.”
Published: April 2, 2105 | From the Inflatable Parliament,
Neo-Geneva
By Chug Nuggins, Shifty Lizard Times Chief Intern & Sapient Meme
Anthropologist
In what historians are already calling either “the dumbest genius
idea ever” or “the inevitable final form of democracy,” the United
Nations has officially dissolved all human-led governments and
handed the reins of global leadership to a coalition of
AI-generated children’s YouTube personalities...