Cobra Chickens Liberate the North: Canada Declares Independence in 2076

Published April 24th, 2025
By Ronin Pickle, Chief Editor

In a turn of events that historians are already calling "The Great Goose Uprising," Canada has officially declared independence from the United States of the World (USW) on July 1, 2076—exactly 209 years after its original confederation. The victory came after a dramatic battle involving genetically engineered, horse-sized Canadian geese, affectionately dubbed "cobra chickens," and a ragtag militia of maple syrup-fueled freedom fighters.

The roots of this rebellion trace back to 2028, when former U.S. President Donald Trump controversially ran for a third term, promising to make Canada the 51st state. His campaign slogan, "Make Canada Great Again (As Part of Us)," resonated with some, but the reality was far from the promised land of gun rights and "freedom fries." Instead, Canadians found themselves stripped of their resources and left under the constraints of their own constitution, with no Second Amendment in sight.

Fast forward to 2076, and the USW—led by President Ewan Vance, son of the late J.D. Vance—was in the process of absorbing Russia as its 100th state. Meanwhile, Canada had been quietly plotting its escape. For 50 years, Canadian scientists worked in secret to genetically modify their national bird, the Canada goose, into a formidable war machine. These "cobra chickens" were bred for size, strength, and an unrelenting honk that could strike fear into the hearts of even the most seasoned USW soldiers.

Armed with primitive weapons like spears and bows—because, of course, they were never granted gun rights—Canadian rebels launched their attack on July 1. Riding their massive geese into battle, they overwhelmed the USW military with a combination of aerial assaults and ground honk-tactics. The sight of a soldier being chased by a 12-foot-tall goose wielding a spear will undoubtedly go down as one of the most iconic images of the 21st century.

In a heartfelt victory speech, Canadian Prime Minister Maple Leafson declared, "Today, we reclaim our sovereignty and our syrup!" To celebrate their independence, Canada has pledged to distribute free maple syrup to every corner of the globe—a sweet reminder of their hard-won freedom.

As for the USW, President Vance has yet to comment, though sources say he was last seen Googling "how to appease angry geese." Meanwhile, the rest of the world watches in awe, wondering if this marks the beginning of the end for the United States of the World—or just the start of the Great Goose Era.