Refrigerator Rights Movement Gains Steam (literally) as GOP Prepares

Published April 21st 2027
By Rance T. Mulberry

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold gambit to secure votes in the upcoming 2028 election, the Republican Party has unveiled its most controversial strategy yet: granting voting rights to refrigerators. But not just any fridges — American-made, Constitution-loving, cold storage patriots manufactured in red-state factories under the watchful eye of the “Cold Right Initiative.”

Far Right Cooling

According to RNC spokespeople, these “smart-voting appliances” come pre-loaded with firmware updates reflecting traditional family values, trickle-down economics, and an unshakeable love for gas ranges.

“This is about giving voice to underrepresented kitchen appliances,” said Sen. Chuckleworth (R-KY). “For too long, the microwave has hogged all the power.”

While Republican strategists hail the move as “an innovative way to preserve American values,” critics on the left are less enthused.

Manufacturing An Electorate

“Let’s be honest,” said Rep. Alejandra Cortex (D-NY), “this is just another thinly veiled attempt to manufacture an electorate — literally. These fridges are barely sentient, and some have already been caught trying to plug themselves into PragerU.”

Outrage grew when leaked documents revealed the appliances’ built-in ideological settings. Units set to “Conservative Chill” came equipped with Fox News radio presets, while the “Patriot Defrost” mode disabled energy-saving features to own the libs.

Despite lawsuits from civil rights groups and actual humans, the courts have so far refused to intervene, citing “insufficient precedent in appliance enfranchisement.”

Meanwhile, voter outreach programs targeting dishwashers and toasters are already being quietly piloted in Florida.

Edit

Since the time of publishing for this article, we later learned one smart fridge manufacturer will be teaming up with Steam to impliment a Steam OS partition on select smart refrigerators.

This offer will be reserved exclusively for owners who haul their fridge to the poles on election day. We reached out to Steam for comment, they replied "It was either this or pay the tariff prices to make more Steam Decks..."