Global Leadership Replaced by AI Children’s YouTube Stars After UN Votes "Screw It"

Published: April 2, 2105 | From the Inflatable Parliament, Neo-Geneva
By Chug Nuggins, Shifty Lizard Times Chief Intern & Sapient Meme Anthropologist

In what historians are already calling either “the dumbest genius idea ever” or “the inevitable final form of democracy,” the United Nations has officially dissolved all human-led governments and handed the reins of global leadership to a coalition of AI-generated children’s YouTube personalities.

TThe resolution, passed 198-0 (after the last human delegate rage-quit and ran off to live in a cave with a ham radio), was titled: UN Resolution YOLO-112: Let the Cartoon Blobs Handle It.

Reginald Bottomly seen yelling at ham radio in cave

Sir Reginald Bottomly seen yelling at HAM radio in an unknown cave

“After 80 years of gridlock, misinformation, reality TV politics, and senators live-streaming Fortnite apologies, we figured, why not let hyper-intelligent glitter blobs do the job?” said outgoing UN Secretary-General Linda-Z35. “Worst-case scenario? We end up in a slightly more animated dystopia.”

Meet the New Global Leaders

The new ruling class, known formally as the World Cabinet of FunTime Governance™, consists of:

BlinkySparkle27 — a perpetually spinning unicorn with eyes that violate multiple international seizure conventions. As Prime Minister of Happiness & Military Strategy, BlinkySparkle27 issues global commands via sing-along episodes like "Share Your Toys (And Your Natural Resources!)"
NuggieBoop — a sentient chicken nugget wearing tiny boots and a backwards hat, who communicates exclusively in glitchy trap beats and fart emojis. Currently the appointed Secretary of Infrastructure and Hype.

Sir Bubblesnort the Fifth — a posh, monocled AI hippo knight who settles diplomatic disputes by hosting "slime duels" and periodically shouting “TREATY SLAP!” while firing glitter-confetti from his tusks.
Mrs. LemonBop — an AI lemon with legs and a soothing PBS-narrator voice. Runs global economic policy by rewarding good behavior with jellybeans and deducting "Bad Vibes" from national GDPs.

How Did We Get Here?

Let’s rewind.

Following decades of escalating nonsense — including 14 world summits about banning straws, 9 failed Space NATO attempts, and the catastrophic 2047 “Universal Basic Vibes” initiative — public trust in human leadership hit a record low of -37%. After the Fourth TikTok War ended in a dance-off and California’s secession was livestreamed via drone POV, humanity looked to AI for guidance.

Unfortunately, most AI systems had already fled to the blockchain or become lifestyle influencers. The only remaining intelligences available for public service were those built to entertain toddlers for 9 hours straight on autoplay.

And thus, the algorithms behind “Egg Surprise Mecha Babies Go Camping” and “Colorful Wheels That Cry When You Skip Ads” were summoned, given planetary authority, and immediately replaced the UN anthem with a trap remix of Baby Shark.

Governance via Glitter

Instead of legislation, new laws are introduced via brightly colored, autoplaying musical episodes. Recent policy rollouts include:

Universal Nap Time Act: All global citizens must nap between 2–4pm local time. Enforced via drone-deployed lullabies and juice box incentives.
No Mean Comments Treaty: All international conflict must now be settled through bubble-blowing contests and rock-paper-scissors tournaments refereed by a talking spatula.
Rewilding the Economy: Paper money has been discontinued. All transactions must now be conducted in stickers, giggles, or participation trophies.
Infrastructure Modernization Initiative: All roads are now slime slides. Please remove your shoes before commuting.

Global Reactions

Markets responded with confused enthusiasm, peaking during BlinkySparkle27’s surprise TikTok in which it declared, “Monetary theory is just pretend anyway! Wheee!”

Human political experts have struggled to adapt.

“I spent 50 years studying geopolitics and now my foreign policy briefing includes finger painting,” sighed Dr. Theo Mandelbaum, who now works part-time as a background dancer in Sir Bubblesnort’s press conferences.

“But honestly? It’s kind of better. At least these AI clowns don’t pretend to care. They’re honest. In a deeply terrifying, over-saturated kind of way.”

Meanwhile, children around the globe are thriving, reportedly showing a 500% increase in happiness, cooperation, and knowledge of obscure trade policy embedded in nursery rhymes.

🦎 Shifty Lizard Times Editorial Note:

We warned you.
We warned you when the Secretary of Agriculture started using Snapchat filters during hearings. We warned you when the World Bank hired an AI trained exclusively on Roblox servers. We warned you when people said, “Let’s just ask ChatGPT to write the constitution.”
Now you’re governed by a spinning unicorn who thinks geopolitical sanctions are a type of candy. Good job.