Earth Now 92% Subscription-Based, Scientists Say

Published: April 2, 2225
Sector 7, Subnet 3 By Gliblar Q. Sprocket, Staff Chrono-Correspondent

A bold announcement broadcast directly into citizens’ neurofeeds this morning, researchers at the Bezos-Musk Lunar Institute confirmed that Earth is now officially 92% subscription-based — a significant increase from 85% just a decade ago.

Life-as-a-Service:

Pay to Breathe? From air tiering systems (Platinum Oxygen now includes trace nostalgia molecules) to monthly ground access fees, the modern Earth resident pays an average of 1,200 credits a day just to exist semi-legally. Critics of the system say it’s “unsustainable,” “inhuman,” and “somehow worse than 2020,” but proponents claim it boosts the economy and reduces spontaneous acts of joy.

Food 2.0™

Now With Real Artificiality Food, once a naturally occurring substance, has now been fully digitized. Citizens in Zone-C report being mostly satisfied with byte-based meals like Cheeze.exe and Boneless Water™. When asked about nutritional concerns, authorities clarified, “We uploaded the FDA in 2091. It has not returned.”

Climate:

Mostly Synthetic, Slightly Hostile Weather is now algorithmically curated by MetaClime Prime, a subscription-based climate engine. While “Essential Weather” includes basic temperatures and seasonal affective disorder, premium subscribers can enjoy cloudless Mondays, scented snow, or licensed Disney™ lightning. Global warming was officially rebranded in 2142 as "Enhanced Warmth Opportunity", and remains one of the leading causes of spontaneous flamingo appearances in inland Mongolia.

Surveillance & You:

A Friendship Story Since the 2179 passage of the See Something, Say Everything Act, every citizen is required to wear at least one government-issued contact lens. These “Freedom Eyes™” report directly to the Department of Gentle Monitoring, which assures us they’re only used to “keep the vibes immaculate.” The public’s right to privacy has been replaced with a more modern concept: Right to Be Monetized.

🦎 Editorial Note from the Shifty Lizard Himself:

“We warned you in 2025. But nooo — you just had to buy that smart refrigerator that gossiped with the NSA. Who’s shifty now?”

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