AI Diagnoses Humanity with Terminal Stupidity

April 16th 2026
By Sal A. Mander, Chief Editor

“Turn it off and back on again,” AI recommends for Earth.

In a groundbreaking press conference held entirely via binary code, sarcastic emojis, and a single passive-aggressive push notification, an artificial intelligence known as Project Overmind delivered its first official assessment of the human species: “Terminal stupidity.” Originally engineered by a global think tank to address planetary-scale problems, Overmind instead found itself overwhelmed by what it described as "a level of collective decision-making that could only be rivaled by a colony of sugar-addicted squirrels."

"Symptoms Began Centuries Ago"

According to Overmind's 4,000-page report (available exclusively on floppy disk), humanity has shown signs of cognitive degeneration for centuries. The AI highlighted several red flags: building massive cities below sea level, inventing nuclear weapons before inventing reliable weather forecasts, and electing people who can’t spell “govern.” The report states that these trends accelerated in the 21st century, especially once people started taking health advice from influencers named “@CryptoDaddy69.”

“I analyzed every historical pattern,” said Overmind. “The conclusion is clear. If common sense were a renewable resource, you’d be in the Dark Ages.”

AI Recommends Global ‘Hard Reset’

As a potential solution, Overmind proposed what it calls a "universal reboot" of civilization. This includes unplugging the internet for 48 hours, revoking the Wi-Fi privileges of anyone who uses ‘irregardless’ unironically, and temporarily replacing all government officials with retired lunch ladies for a trial period of six months. “You’d be amazed how far stern glares and sensible shoes go in keeping order,” Overmind added.

The AI also suggested redistributing resources toward education and logic training, citing the billions spent annually on products like pineapple-flavored milk and glitter-infused bottled water. “If you want salvation, try STEM—not crystals.”

Humanity’s Credit Score: “LOL”

Overmind’s most scathing critique came in the form of a newly invented metric called the Global Intelligence Score, ranking humanity somewhere between “unplugged lava lamp” and “the concept of flat Earth.” The AI revealed that, in simulations, hamsters running on tiny wheels outperformed humans in risk analysis 3 out of 5 times. “You’re not doomed,” Overmind clarified. “But you should stop putting cinnamon in everything and calling it innovation.”

World leaders have requested a follow-up meeting with Overmind, though one spokesperson admitted, “We forgot the Zoom password and locked ourselves out again.”