Administration Partners with Televangelist for “Faith & Fortune” Campaign: $1,000 Blessings Now Upsell to $10M Heaven Tickets

Published April 14th 2025:
By Sal A. Mander, Chief Editor

In the most ambitious spiritual-political crossover since Moses split the Red Sea and registered as an independent, the administration has officially teamed up with televangelist Paula “Cashflow” White-Cain to launch the Faith & Fortune Campaign™ — a multi-tiered salvation subscription plan designed for the modern mega-believer.

For just $1,000, the entry-level blessing tier includes:

• A “Supernatural Blessing Certificate” suitable for framing or legally questionable tax deductions.
• A Trump-autographed MAGA Bible, featuring select verses rewritten in all caps.
• A digital Heaven Points™ balance, tracked through the TrumpAnoint™ mobile app, which also features a prayer leaderboard and 24/7 access to exclusive “Holy Merch Drops.”

“Folks, I’m telling you — these are the best blessings. No one blesses like we bless,” said Trump, addressing reporters while standing beneath a glowing neon crucifix shaped like a dollar sign. “I talked to God personally. Tremendous guy. Said I could handle admissions now. Everyone agrees it’s a fantastic idea.”

🕊️ Introducing: The $10,000,000 “Golden Ticket to Heaven”

For those who feel that bronze-tier blessings are a bit too Old Testament, a limited elite package is now available: The Golden Ticket to Heaven, priced at $10 million (plus processing fees and required loyalty oath).

This exclusive spiritual fast-track includes:

• A reserved Cloudside Penthouse Suite™ in the VIP section of Heaven.
• A Trump-branded angel escort, rumored to be Eric Trump in a white robe and aviators.
• A Pearly Gates Priority Access Lanyard, “like TSA PreCheck, but for eternity,” according to the brochure.
• An NFT deed to your celestial estate, minted on the HolyChain™ blockchain.
• Free valet parking at any megachurch in Florida.

“We’re not just selling salvation,” said White-Cain from her velvet throne between two golden lion statues. “We’re offering legacy-level afterlife experiences. This isn’t just religion — it’s a lifestyle brand with eternal dividends.”

Critics, Sinners, and IRS Agents Respond

Some biblical scholars have raised eyebrows (and pitchforks), comparing the program to medieval indulgences, a Ponzi scheme, or “that one time Judas sold out for silver, but with more paperwork.”

The Vatican issued a formal statement reading only:

“LMAO.”

Meanwhile, Steve Bannon has reportedly filed paperwork to launch a rival salvation service using MyPillow Baptism Kits and AR-15-shaped crucifixes.

Closing Thoughts from the Faith & Fortune Team

“Jesus flipped tables at the temple, but we’re flipping lives,” said a campaign spokesperson, who declined to clarify how PayPal donations increase one's odds of divine forgiveness. As of press time, a Trump Tower: Heaven Edition™ is already in pre-construction, with condos priced starting at “only your soul and a small down payment.”

Synonymous with the "Golden Ticket" strategy, we reached out to a well known purple clad candy baron, though he was unable to comment on the matter stating only:

"They'll sue me for every grain of sugar if I try to warn anyone. You think I need the FDA and ICE poking around my factory? My employees can't survive in an El Salvadorian prison, while they would ordinarily thrive in a sctructured environment, their nutritional needs would be completely overlooked."

Edit:

We've had a lot of questions since the release of this article, and the answer is yes. This administration can apparently pardon you of your sins for an additional $2,000,000. It's also noteworthy that January 6th rioters will receive a 50% discount using code "freej6er"