"This Is Economic Fish-Slapping": Penguins of "Uninhabited" Islands Condemn Trump Tariffs

Penguins protesting along the shores of Heard Island with adorably mispelled picket signs

Published: April 8, 2025
Heard Island Research Press (HIRP) By Dr. Winifred Blusterbeak, Antarctic Economic Correspondent & Flightless Advocate

Other media outlets have been quick to point out these islands are uninhabited by humans, meanwhile local residents feel silenced as their angered squawks seem to be falling on deaf ears here in the US.

In a rare but urgent communique delivered via encrypted iceberg courier, the Heard Island & McDonald Islands Penguin Council (HIMIPC) released a scathing statement today regarding the Trump-backed global tariffs on non-American fish, krill derivatives, and, inexplicably, "foreign-feathered species."

These islands, originally announced to be included during a Truth Social livestream from a backyard BBQ in Mar-a-Lago, and was described as a “bold push to protect America’s aquatic jobs from foreign freeloaders in tuxedos.”

The penguins are not amused.

A Penguin economist explaining tax impacts on his adorable krill-based economy

A Community of Scholars, Not Fish Thieves

“Let me be absolutely clear,” said Professor Archibald Wobbleflap, HIMIPC’s Chair of International Trade and Nesting Economics.

“We are not stealing American fish. We are a sovereign, self-sufficient, academically-minded community of seabirds who happen to enjoy cold climates and macroeconomics.”

He continued while adjusting his monocle (actually a bottlecap salvaged from a passing research vessel):

“This tariff isn’t just scientifically illiterate. It’s preposterously aquaticist.”

Tariffs’ Impact: More Than Just Fishy Business

The Trump-backed Global tariff policy slaps a 10% or higher import tariff on all non-domestic krill exports, citing "national snack security." For the penguins of Heard and McDonald Islands—who rely on carefully managed krill-sharing trade agreements with Chilean krill co-ops and Norwegian plankton trusts—this represents a “crippling blow to open-beak trade.”

Lady Penelope Pebbletoes, chief economist of HIMIPC, elaborated:

“We’ve spent decades building a fair-trade, climate-resilient krill economy. Now, thanks to one man and his obsession with tariffs, we’re facing shortages, inflation, and panic-molting in our young.”

He got the poo on him

Penguin Economy Already Feeling the Chill

Supply lines have slowed drastically. The Krill Index, normally a steady barometer of Southern Ocean stability, has plummeted 14%. In response, HIMIPC has implemented rationing measures, including:
Shared sardine bundles
Community snowball hydration initiatives
A freeze on luxury pebbles for nest decoration

“We’re not even importing American fish!” said Sir Beakley Trundleworth, a third-generation ice banker. “They’re riddled with microplastics and smugness. This isn’t protectionism—it’s plankton imperialism.”

"This Is How Ice Ages Start"

In an unprecedented diplomatic gesture, HIMIPC hosted a virtual summit with arctic puffins, New Zealand albatrosses, and a single confused pelican from Miami. The consensus: Trump’s tariffs are a thinly disguised featherist policy.

At the summit, Madame Gwendolyn Snowsocks, Penguin Poet Laureate, delivered a damning haiku:

Cold fish, colder hearts
Trade war in icy silence
Tariff tastes like loss

A standing ovation of synchronized honks and one coordinated belly-slide ensued.

US White House Responds… Poorly

When asked about the penguin backlash, a Trump spokesperson stated: “The birds are fake. Antarctica isn’t even real. I saw a map once and it just looked like a big ice smear. We’re focused on real allies—like Musk and Kid Rock.” HIMIPC countered by publishing satellite data, trade figures, and several copies of Penguin Quarterly: Fishonomics Edition, but admits the gesture is likely futile.

Final Statement from HIMIPC

“This is not just about krill or fish,” said Professor Wobbleflap.
“This is about sovereignty, science, and the right of a penguin to waddle free without economic oppression. We do not ask for war—only for fairness, decency, and perhaps a modest UN-backed krill redistribution program.”

Until then, the penguins remain defiant—flapping flippers, filing paperwork, and stockpiling krill in cleverly disguised snowbanks.

Correction: A previous version of this article incorrectly referred to “Sir Beakley Trundleworth” as “Lord Fishpaws the Vague.” The HIMIPC assures us this is a grave insult punishable by silent staring.

Edit

Ronald Plump, newly appointed US Representative and diplomat for the Heard & McDonald Islands

Since the publishing of this article, we've been informed the US has selected a diplomat who can reassure the rising concerns of these once isolated (and perfectly find with it) islands. Ronald Plump, a longtime friend of the administration was quoted saying- "They're only talking because of me." Ronald will be visiting the islands in the coming days to act as a bridge of communication between the penguins and US Trade officials.