GPS Stands for “Global Propaganda System,” According to New Leaks

“You’re not lost—you’re being repositioned,” whistleblower says.
Published: April 3, 2025
Written from a van parked exactly 2,640 miles off course By: Chet Quantum, Chief Navigation Skeptic

In what may be the most disorienting revelation of the decade, leaked documents from the International Satellite Guidance Consortium (ISGC) have confirmed what conspiracy theorists have long suspected: GPS doesn’t stand for “Global Positioning System” at all.

It stands for “Global Propaganda System.”

Yes, that chirpy voice telling you to turn left in 400 feet is part of a vast psychological operation to keep you slightly confused and emotionally dependent on digital guidance at all times.

“We thought the system was designed to help people find their way,” said disgraced ISGC engineer and whistleblower Reginald ‘Reggie’ Blipson. “Turns out, it’s meant to make sure nobody ever truly knows where they are.”

Weaponized Misguidance

GPS’s origins trace back to the late 1960s, when the U.S. military developed satellite navigation systems to assist with precision strikes and Taco Bell locations. But according to the leaked memos, the real mission pivoted in the early 2000s:

“The idea was simple,” Blipson explains. “What if we use satellites not just to guide—but to gaslight?”

Drivers across the world report eerily similar experiences:
Being redirected five blocks out of the way for no reason.
Spontaneously being told to “make a U-turn” despite being on a one-way street.
Arriving at a location and feeling… wrong. Like your soul is a half-step out of sync.

“These are not bugs,” warns Blipson. “They’re features.”

Big Compass Is In On It

Behind the plot, analysts suspect a coalition of powerful groups: digital mapping firms, motivational poster companies, and of course, Big Compass, the shadowy syndicate that controls nearly 83% of pocket-sized navigation tools and ironic tattoos.

“We got rid of physical maps for a reason,” said a Garmin executive under condition of anonymity. “Too many people knew where they were going.”

The report also implicates Fitbit, which allegedly coordinates with GPS satellites to misreport steps in order to break your spirit and get you to buy newer models with better lies.

A Future With No Bearings

What’s next for the Global Propaganda System? According to whistleblower Blipson, the long-term plan is to “disassociate humanity from any shared sense of direction,” resulting in a population too bewildered to question who’s driving society—or where it’s going.

Meanwhile, Apple has announced iCompass Pro, a $99/year subscription that gives you directions that “feel right spiritually, if not physically.”

Shifty Lizard Times reached out to Google Maps for comment, but they rerouted our request through a circular logic loop in suburban Nebraska.

We’re still trying to get out.