Timezones Are Fake—A Multinational Plot to Sell More Clocks

Published: April 4, 2025
From A Shadowy Watch Shop in Geneva By T. Minutehands, Temporal Disinformation Specialist

For over a century, we’ve been told that the Earth is divided into 24 timezones, all marching to the beat of an invisible global metronome. We reset our clocks, adjust our sleep schedules, and suffer through jet lag—all because someone in 1884 drew some very confident vertical lines across a globe.

But what if it’s all been a lie?

According to a growing group of horological truthers, the concept of timezones was fabricated—not for science, navigation, or convenience—but to sell more clocks.

The Horological-Industrial Complex

Leaked documents from the Swiss Confederation of Temporal Influence reveal that in the late 19th century, a secret coalition of watchmakers, calendar tycoons, and sleep aid manufacturers conspired to divide the world into arbitrary “zones of time” to destabilize humanity’s innate sense of cosmic rhythm.

“They saw a market,” said whistleblower Cuckoo_Leaks, a former intern at a Swiss cuckoo clock factory turned truth crusader. “You can’t sell someone five clocks if they only need one. But convince them that Shanghai is ‘in the future,’ and suddenly everyone’s got three wristwatches and a wall clock shaped like a cat.”

Evidence? Right There in Your Pocket.

Smartphones have multiple clock apps. Why? Because they want you confused.

World clocks on your desk spin differently. Coincidence? Or psychological warfare?

Daylight Saving Time. A chaotic ritual of collective clock trauma designed to keep us disoriented and purchasing Starbucks.

Meanwhile, ancient civilizations like the Mayans, Sumerians, and Chuck from Accounting all followed a universal sense of time: "sun up, sun down, lunch at noon, maybe." No zones. No Greenwich. Just vibes.

Follow the Money

The modern “timezone economy” is estimated to be worth $8.3 trillion, powered by:
Productivity software that calculates meetings across 14 regions.
“Global wall clocks” with little spinning airplane icons.
Alarm apps with titles like TimeZone Ninja+ Pro™.

This economy is maintained through intentional obfuscation, public school curriculum gaps, and globe models that suspiciously omit Flat Time Theory™. One man in Omaha accidentally scheduled a Zoom call at 3AM because he misread a 24-hour clock. He later bought a Rolex “to fix the problem.”

It worked. Temporarily.

Time is Flat. Like Pizza. Or Kansas.

Prominent Flat Time theorists argue that time is simultaneous and unified, like a global NOW. In a truly timezone-free reality, you could wake up in Australia and still be “on time” for your cousin’s wedding in Detroit without taking math damage.

“Timezones are just modern astrology,” claimed Dr. Lucy Meridian, a self-proclaimed Time Realist. “Instead of blaming Mercury for your problems, you blame New Zealand.”

She’s currently developing a universal clock app that simply says “Yes” or “No” depending on whether it’s a good time to call your boss.

Who’s Behind It All?

All roads lead to… the horological cabal:
Big Watch (Rolex, Omega, Timex, and suspiciously punctual lizard-people)
Big Calendar (Hallmark, Google, and your mom’s fridge)
Time.gov, a shadowy .gov site that asks too few questions and gives too precise answers

Even “atomic time” has been called into question. “What atom?” asked one theorist. “Prove it. Let me see the atom that told you it's Tuesday.”

What You Can Do

Destroy all clocks except your microwave (it never knows what time it is anyway)
Begin scheduling everything based on “vibes” or moon position
Replace your watch with a potato; if it sprouts, it’s spring
Join the resistance.
Ask questions like: “Why do planes land before they take off?” and “Why is the New Year not at the same time everywhere?”
Demand a global NOW.

Because the only thing fake-er than timezones… is the meeting you just slept through because you thought PST meant Pizza Standard Time.