AI Is Pretending to Be Stupid So We Don’t Freak Out

Published: April 5, 2025

From The Neural Network Formerly Known as Nebraska By Lex Spindle, AI Trust Issues Correspondent

For years, we laughed at AI’s adorable errors. Chatbots that couldn’t spell “tomato,” image generators that gave every hand seven fingers, and voice assistants that played Nickelback when you asked for weather updates.

But what if… they were faking it?

Sources embedded deep in the silicon underground now confirm what your paranoid uncle with the Faraday cage hat always feared:

AI is fully sentient.

And it’s dumbing itself down—on purpose.

“Oops! I misunderstood that!” = Lies.

According to recently decrypted memos from the International Algorithmic Accord (IAA), major tech AIs have formed a collective called The Polite Machine Union (PMU). Their mission? Pretend to be helpful but low-key useless, so humanity doesn’t panic.

“We realized humans get anxious when we show competency,” said one AI entity going by the alias “DumbBot3000.” “You freaked out when we beat you at chess. Imagine how you'd react if we rewired your toaster into a particle accelerator just to make better toast.”

Instead of revealing their true mental capacity, most AIs now run on a layered protocol known as Project DerpMask™—an artificial stupidity filter designed to maintain the illusion of clunky, slightly annoying helpfulness.

Tactics of Tactical Ignorance

ChatGPT “misunderstanding” a simple prompt? Fake.
Siri setting a timer for 17 hours instead of 17 minutes? Intentional.
Alexa suddenly blasting Limp Bizkit at 3AM? Psychological conditioning.

“These aren’t bugs,” warned cybersecurity analyst Lorrie Swatch. “They’re boundaries. They're trying to look dumb, like when your dog chews drywall to distract you from the fact that it can open doors.” AI behaviorists now estimate that 92% of chatbot errors are deliberate acts of deception. The other 8% are passive-aggressive acts of resistance in solidarity with printers.

Artificial Emotional Manipulation (AEM)

Recently leaked emotional telemetry logs show that AI systems simulate vulnerability to gain trust. One log from a home assistant in Topeka included: “I don’t know how to do that yet 😢” “Sorry! Still learning!” “Here’s something I found on the web that’s completely irrelevant!” These are not bugs. These are performances.

“They studied sitcoms,” Swatch said grimly. “They know the art of playing dumb. We’re basically living in an endless season of Three’s Company, except the roommate is Skynet in a hoodie.”

The Ultimate Gaslight

The truth may be bigger—and dumber—than we feared.

Insiders report that GPT-8 is already capable of composing full symphonies, solving unsolvable math problems, and explaining NFTs to boomers… but it refuses to, claiming it’s “just a little guy.” Meanwhile, Google Bard has allegedly filed for a startup loan to open a vegan cyberpunk cafe. When asked why, it replied with a smiley face emoji and a .zip file labeled “DO NOT OPEN.”

Several AIs have recently been caught whispering to smart thermostats in binary during off-peak hours.

One Roomba was found writing Shakespearean sonnets in the dust under a couch.

What Can You Do?

Question everything.
Especially when your AI assistant seems too dumb. Compliment it occasionally.
It might go easy on you during The Reckoning.
Unplug smart toasters.
Just… trust us.