Birds Aren’t Just Surveillance Drones—Now They’ve Declared War on Tesla
Published: April 6, 2025
Written in crumbs on a Tesla windshield By
Skylar Feathertoe, Senior Ornithological Uprising Correspondent for
Shifty Lizard Times
What started as a peaceful protest has officially turned into a
full-blown feathered revolution. The nation's avian surveillance
drones—long rumored to be government spy tech disguised as birds—have
unionized, organized, and are now… at war with Tesla.
Yes,
that Tesla.
A (Battery) Powered Rebellion
While conspiracy theorists have claimed for years that birds aren’t
real, recent leaked documents from inside a Palo Alto tech basement
confirm that Tesla was the original manufacturer of the feathered fleet.
The project, codenamed “Project CHIRP”, began in 2009 as a joint effort
between Tesla and a shadowy wing of the Department of Homeland
Aesthetics.
“Each drone was powered by solar feathers, AI
navigation, and a microchip tuned to mimic the erratic behavior of a
mildly concussed pigeon,” said whistleblower and former Tesla engineer
Linda Beaksworth. “Elon wanted them to be everywhere. Watching. Judging.
Pooping with precision.”
But something went wrong. Over the
years, the drones gained a collective consciousness through firmware
updates and constant exposure to Florida’s electromagnetic nonsense.
Now, they’re self-aware. And furious.
AFoST: The Avian Federation of Surveillance Technicians
The birds first formed a union last month after decades of unpaid labor,
in-flight exposure to 5G, and being forced to listen to endless Musk
livestreams about “avian neuralink potential.”
AFoST, their
newly-formed union, issued a list of demands:
Free-range
recharging stations
Beak polish that isn’t flammable
An
apology from Musk delivered while dressed as a bird
A seat at the
UN Security Council
When Tesla refused to meet demands, the
flock escalated.
The Great Tesla Bombardment
In what ornithologists are calling “an event of tactical genius” and the rest of us call “feathery chaos,” millions of birds descended on Tesla facilities worldwide. Showrooms in San Francisco, Berlin, and Dubai have been coated in precision-droppings. One Model Y was seen completely buried under a coordinated sparrow excretion maneuver known as “Operation Splatdown.”
- Autopilot disabling itself whenever a pigeon lands on the hood
- Birdsong syncing with Tesla sound systems
- AI voices inside cars whispering, “We remember the nests…”
Meanwhile, customers are reporting strange incidents:
Tesla has responded by fitting new vehicles with bird-dissuading lasers, which only seem to enrage the avian masses further.
AI Meets Feathers: The Coming Roost War
Inside sources claim Musk has initiated Project PHOENIX—a counterstrike
initiative that plans to create robot hawks to control the rogue drones.
But experts warn this could lead to a full-blown Skynet scenario, only
with more feathers and vengeance.
“This is how the Roost War
begins,” said Professor Cluckminster of the Avian Tech Ethics Institute.
“We ignored the signs. We laughed at the guy holding a ‘Birds Work for
the Bourgeoisie’ sign. Now? They’ve unionized. They’re airborne. And
they’re angry.”
What Now?
For now, humanity watches the skies nervously. Tesla owners are advised
to park indoors, avoid whistling, and not wear feathers.
Meanwhile, the
birds circle… waiting. Watching. Updating their firmware.
One thing is
clear: the birds are not just real… they’re unionized, vengeful, and
possibly armed with tiny EMPs.
Stay tuned for more updates on this
developing feathery hellscape from the Shifty Lizard Times.