Billionaires Begin Bidding War Over Rights to Rename the Sun

Published May 1st 2025
By Sal A. Mander, definitely not a bird drone

In an unexpected turn of events, the world’s wealthiest individuals have begun a heated bidding war over the rights to rename the Sun. What was once a staple of the natural world is now a commodity on the auction block, with some of the biggest names in tech, oil, and entertainment looking to make their mark on the most important celestial body in our solar system.

The Bidding War Begins

Sources reveal that several billionaires have already made significant offers for the naming rights to the Sun, with names like “The Bezos Sphere” and “Elon’s Light” floating to the top. The bidding is being facilitated by the current US administration, which claims to have established the legal framework to assign corporate ownership of celestial bodies.

“I’ve always wanted to leave a legacy, and what better way to do that than by owning the Sun?” says Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX, whose offer reportedly includes a Tesla-shaped satellite that would orbit the Sun forever. “It just makes sense. If I can make Mars habitable, why not take over the Sun?”

The Offerings

The competition is fierce. Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, has reportedly offered a staggering $10 billion for “Solar Prime,” an exclusive rebranding of the Sun that would include a partnership with Amazon to sell solar-powered devices. Meanwhile, tech mogul Mark Zuckerberg has proposed a more subtle approach, suggesting that “Zuck’s Glow” would be the perfect way to align his company’s new metaverse with the real world.

Quote from an unnamed “business analyst”: “Zuckerberg’s offer is definitely a long-term play. He’s looking at the Sun as an uncharted source of data. I wouldn’t be surprised if Facebook started charging people for ‘sunlight subscriptions’ next.”

The Impact on Earth

Environmentalists are voicing concern over the implications of such privatization. “What happens when someone decides they own the Sun?” asks Greta Thunberg, environmental activist. “Will they start charging people for sunlight, or even worse, withhold it in the name of profits?”

In response, billionaires have made assurances that their ownership will not affect the Sun’s functionality. “We’re not here to ruin the Sun,” says Bezos in a statement. “We’re just offering it a rebranding to help boost its appeal to younger audiences. The Sun needs to modernize, and we’re the people to do it.”

As the bidding continues, one thing is clear: the future of our Sun may not be in the hands of nature, but in the hands of billionaires who see it as their next big opportunity. With negotiations expected to wrap up by the end of the year, we can only wait to see which billionaire gets to take home the ultimate star-power prize.