BREAKING: President Biden Discovered Living His Best Life in a Parallel Universe Full of Sentient Ice Cream and Talking Dogs
April 15, 2025
By Sal A. Mander, Chief Editor
After weeks of speculation, the truth has finally emerged — President Joe Biden didn’t disappear. He ascended. Sources now confirm the Commander-in-Chief accidentally stumbled into an interdimensional slipstream located behind the Lincoln Bedroom mirror… and frankly, he’s thriving.
The Land of Eternal Dairy
Dubbed “Delaware Prime,” this alternate dimension is reportedly made
entirely of small-town diners, friendly Labrador retrievers, and
sentient waffle cones. Biden has been spotted riding a tandem bicycle
with an ice cream cone named Choco Barry, who now serves as his personal
spiritual advisor.
“He’s a natural here,”
said Mayor Scoops, a 4-foot-tall soft-serve swirl wearing Ray-Bans.
“He gave a passionate speech about the soul of the galaxy, then fell
asleep standing up. We made him King.”
Unleashing His Inner Action Hero
Freed from the constraints of physics, politics, and reality, Biden has
adopted the codename “Scranton Joe” and now leads a ragtag team of
dimension-hopping adventurers known as The Executive Orderlies. Their
mission? To maintain balance in the Multiverse by sniffing out malarkey
and redistributing empathy.
Last Tuesday, he reportedly
tackled a sentient hedge maze that was bullying local residents. He then
gave a lengthy speech to a crowd of telepathic geese about the
importance of infrastructure.
“Cornpop was nothing compared
to the Maze King of Sector Pudding-9,” Biden told a nearby talking fire
hydrant.
Trump Joins the Fray (Sort of)
Not to be outdone, Donald Trump has allegedly launched “Trump Force One”
— a golden spaceship shaped like a thumbs-up — and declared his
intention to enter the dimension to “negotiate with space dogs and sell
them NFTs.”
Back on Earth, Marjorie Taylor Greene claimed Biden is
“trapped in a liberal metaverse created by the ghost of JFK and
controlled by Google Maps,” though no one asked.