America’s Oil Reserves Drained to Maintain One Man’s Smoldering Gaze

Published May 2nd 2025
By Ronin Pickle, Chief Editor & Conspiracy Consultant

Washington, D.C.—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the energy and beauty industries alike, an anonymous whistleblower has leaked classified White House documents detailing an alarming use of the nation’s petroleum reserves. According to the report, President Donald Trump’s aggressive push to "Drill, baby, drill!" isn't about energy independence or economic growth—it’s about ensuring Senator J.D. Vance never runs out of his signature smoky eyeliner.

Oil Powered, Shaming Glares

“The natural look doesn’t come easy,” Vance reportedly admitted in a closed-door session with top energy advisors. “You think this level of brooding intensity happens by chance? It requires precision. It requires resources. And unfortunately, it requires oil.”

While the Railroad Commission of Texas and the Alyeska Pipeline Service Company of Alaska had long suspected that domestic drilling had taken a bizarre detour, the full extent of the operation was previously unknown. But thanks to leaked documents obtained by The Daily Smudge, the evidence is undeniable: a classified task force known as Operation Gulfstream Glam was established to redirect crude oil shipments directly to a high-security cosmetics lab known only as “The Smoky Vault.”

A Different Kind Of Coverup

The document details a covert supply chain stretching from Texas oil fields to secret underground makeup workshops disguised as natural gas facilities. Eyewitness reports from former refinery employees describe barrels of petroleum being transformed into vats of the deepest, most politically evocative eyeliner known to mankind—marketed internally as “American Gothic: Patriot Black.”

“This explains everything,” said Dr. Marjorie Sable, a beauty analyst at the Center for Cosmetic Policy Studies. “Have you ever wondered why his eyeliner is somehow sharper in high-pressure congressional hearings than in casual settings? The answer is the Strategic Eyeliner Reserve. This isn’t drugstore makeup—this is government-funded precision application.”

A Potential Defense Strategy

When reached for comment, the White House refused to acknowledge the existence of Operation Gulfstream Glam. However, one anonymous aide was overheard whispering, “If Congress finds out about the secret makeup bunker beneath the Pentagon, we’re all doomed.”

Meanwhile, environmental groups are outraged at the resource allocation. “The Biden administration pledged to reduce emissions,” said one activist. “Instead, we’re burning crude oil so J.D. Vance can have the piercing eyes of an Old Hollywood villain? This is an existential crisis!”

As public outrage grows, some industry insiders are scrambling to pivot the narrative. One leaked memo suggests framing the initiative as a new defense strategy: “If America’s enemies see Vance’s gaze from across the room and feel a sense of deep existential dread, this could technically qualify as a deterrent.”

Today

At press time, Vance was seen emerging from a Senate hearing with an even sharper eyeliner wing than usual, sending conspiracy theorists into a frenzy. Sources close to the senator confirm he has never been seen without at least three backup eyeliner pencils.

What does this mean for America’s future energy policy? Will Congress demand answers about the secret makeup labs beneath the White House? And most importantly—will J.D. Vance’s signature look ever truly be sustainable? Only time will tell.